The Service of Common Courtesy

I remember being in a store one day and saying the standard “How are you?” and receiving the typical reply of “How are you?” with no literal answer to my question. The man’s young child was with him and called his dad out: “Daddy, he asked you how you were, but you just asked him that back without answering. Why did you do that?” You’ve got to love kids.

The kid picked up on something many of us think through at some point. Should we answer every “How are you?” literally? Maybe with a little: “Thanks for asking. Physically, I’m doing okay. The lower back is a little stiff, but you know, not getting any younger, am I right? But if you mean emotionally, I’m seeing a therapist for some resurfaced childhood trauma that…” You get the point. Please spare that nice cashier ringing up your groceries such punishment. We all know we shouldn’t answer like that. Such a reply does not take seriously the common curtesies of our culture.¹

Many people struggle with common curtsies of all kinds. Is RSVPing really necessary? If I’m running a little late, should I text and apologize? Should I even care that I’m not known for being on time? “Thank you” letters are kind of ol’ fashioned, right? For that matter, “please and thank you” aren’t important, especially with waiters and waitresses. It’s okay if I send a text at midnight—I mean this random thought is on my mind, and they don’t have their phone on “do not disturb,” where’s the hurt in that? Group chats were made for excessive one-to-one texts and unrelated side-chats within the thread. And don’t get me started on small talk, nothing more superficial and pointless than that. 

Of course, such little acts of neglecting our culture’s various common curtesies go a long way in disrespecting and dishonoring our neighbors. The whole law is fulfilled in the statement, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Galatians 5:14). More than that, we are called to give no offense in anything, to show kindness and grace, and to let all that we do be done in love. Neglecting common curtesy is a failure to serve our neighbor and honor their worth and being. We don’t have to like every courtesy and custom of our culture, but we shouldn’t be nit-picky. 

When a Christian has a choice to show curtesy or not to, is there really a debate about which path we should choose? Our God is one who cares about the smallest of acts we can do (c.f. Mark 9:41), ought we to be those who reflect such attention to the little details of our relationships?

And to be clear, I’m preaching to myself here as well. I’m one who is quickly offended by a lack of courtesy given to me and deeply appreciative of small acts of courtesy that are shown to me, and yet, I’m also one who so often fails to give to others that same level of courtesy that I like to receive. Nevertheless, I think “How are you doing?” has developed an unnecessarily bad rap. When seen for what it is, we can see that it, and all other small acts of courtesy and custom like it, are really a way of loving our neighbor. And what’s not to like about that?

I think Richard Foster put it best in his book Celebration of Disciple when he wrote:

There is the service of common courtesy… Missionaries understand the value of courtesy. They would not dare to blunder into some village demanding to be heard without first going through the appropriate rituals of introduction and acquaintanceship. Yet we feel we can violate these rituals in our own culture and still be received and heard. And we wonder why no one will listen. “But acts of courtesy are so meaningless, so hypocritical,” we complain. That is a myth. They are extremely meaningful and not in the least hypocritical. Once we get over our egocentric arrogance about the fact that people don’t really want to know how we are when they say “How are you?” we can see that it is just an American way of acknowledging our presence. We can wave and acknowledge their presence too without feeling the need to give a prognosis on our latest headache. Words of “thank you” and “yes, please,” letters of appreciation and RSVP responses are all services of courtesy. The specific acts will vary from culture to culture, but the purpose is always the same: to acknowledge others and affirm their worth. The service of courtesy is sorely needed in our increasingly computerized and depersonalized society.

Notes: 

1. Of course, don’t get legalistic about this! I will sometimes answer the “How are you?” with a “Tired” or something similar, which (in my estimation) falls within the acceptable limits of the social norm and can actually help start a real conversation. Also, we are not imagining the person you’ve already established a relationship with where the question can carry more literal force than if this is a random individual. 
2. Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline: The Path to Spiritual Growth – Special Anniversary Edition (New York, NY: Harper One, 2018), 137