Loving Jesus Before All Others: A Practical Look at Jesus’s Statement to Hate Our Family Members

“If you love your father or mother more than you love me, you are not worthy of being mine; or if you love your son or daughter more than me, you are not worthy of being mine.”

Matthew 10:37

“If you want to be my disciple, you must, by comparison, hate everyone else—your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple.”

Luke 14:26

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Recently, I was talking with a friend who was wrestling with the above verses. She’s been learning a lot more about what it means to be a Christian in the last few months and has been reading through the Gospels for the first time. We were discussing what she had been reading in Matthew, and she mentioned that the above verse was the only thing that she wasn’t really sure about. She is the mother of a young son and her motherly instincts were telling her that nothing should come before her son. 

She’s not the first to wrestle with this idea. These verses are meant to jar us awake. That said, we should take seriously anyone’s struggles with an aspect of Christ’s teachings, especially someone who is actively seeking to learn what it means to be his disciple! Below are some of my thoughts on how a mother could think about Jesus’s words. They are not exhaustive, but meant to provide a practical way to move forward in discipleship while respecting the intent of Jesus’s teaching. Of course, anyone could apply these considerations to their own context and deepest human relationships.  

What Jesus Can’t Mean

It is important to note, especially in the second verse, that Jesus can’t mean we actually have to hate others to follow him. Jesus taught very clearly that we are to love even our enemies, how much more our own family! However, the greatest commandment in the Bible is to love God with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength (Matthew 22:37). Human beings have a problem with how we set our priorities. A husband should not view his job as more important than his family. A leader shouldn’t view results as more important than his followers. A pastor shouldn’t view the number of people who attend his church as more important than his own character. And Jesus is teaching us here that nothing should come before him. 

Loving the Gift more than the Giver

It makes sense to ask why this is the case, especially because we know that loving our loved ones is truly a good and godly thing to do. One way to help understand this is to consider that the Bible teaches that Jesus is God, and that God is the author and giver of life. All life is a gift from God. Your life, my life, your most cherished loved one’s life, every breath we all take is a gift. 

Gifts are truly good things that we should receive, celebrate, cherish, and give thanks for. This is why celebrating birthdays can really honor God! This is because birthday parties take seriously the goodness of our lives, and they value the gift of life that has been given to us, our family, and our friends. 

However, in light of these verses, we should consider: Does it make sense to love a gift more than the giver of that gift? 

Let’s use an example to think about this. A mother loves her son and has very literally given him life. Not only that, but she sustains his life by giving him food, water, clothing, shelter, and lots of love. Let’s suppose that one day, when the child is four or five, the mother and her husband buy their son a really expensive toy. This is a good thing and they take joy in his excitement over it. However, they start to notice that he develops a bit of an unhealthy attachment to it. So much so, that he would rather be alone with his toy than be with them both. He hardly even says thank you for it, and he almost starts to act like he could have had it even without them. Wouldn’t this be heartbreaking? Wouldn’t we say that what was a good thing (his gift), has actually now distracted him from enjoying a better thing? (the love of and the relationship with his parents)

If we agree with that, it helps us see a bit of the truth that Jesus is getting at with this hard teaching. If God is truly the author and giver and sustainer of life, shouldn’t we love him more than even the best gifts he gives us? And the Bible clearly teaches that children are a gift from God. Children are the gift and God is the giver. Ironically, when we get the order of our affections and loves in the right order, when we properly prioritize our love, we actually enjoy our gifts more. 

Gifts do not flourish as gods. Neither do children. Neither do husbands nor wives. When we view children as great and wonderful gifts from God, we get to be in proper relationship with them and do not overburden them. If we love them more than the living God who gives both them and us our very lives, we have set them on too high a pedestal. That is not good for us or for them. God, the giver of life, must come first, then, and only then, will we be free not to treat our children as little gods, but rather as precious gifts made in the image of God. 

Fleshing it Out

One last thought is to consider what this could look like. What does it mean to love family (or self) before God? It will be helpful to keep in mind that the Bible most often defines love as being an action toward something and not just a feeling toward it. We could say that love is first formed in the will of a person and the application of their will guides their attention, actions, and commitments. Ideally, this will produce feelings of love, but that won’t always be the case. So, just remember the love we are talking about isn’t primarily a competition of how we feel toward someone and God, but rather how we act toward someone and God. 

In many countries today, fleshing out how this looks within a family context is very obvious. If a Muslim in Iraq or a Hindu in India leaves one of those religions to follow Jesus, they will usually be disowned and potentially killed by their direct family members. Very literally, those individuals must choose who they will love more. Will they deny Jesus and maintain family peace, or will they follow him and risk everything?

Thankfully, most of us in America do not have to worry about such an extreme situation. But sometimes, that lack of clarity is often more dangerous for our spiritual lives. More often, in our context, mothers and fathers may find themselves with a child who does not believe in Jesus or chooses to follow some unorthodox teachings. 

Let’s use a very common example. Say a boyfriend and girlfriend want to move in together (with the clear implication that they will be having premarital sex) and they demand their parent’s approval. The parents, if they are followers of Jesus, must decide if they will maintain peace with their children or risk conflict by withholding their blessing on the relationship. All too often, Christian parents in America soften what they believe about Jesus’s clear teaching about sex (that it is exclusively for a man and woman in a marriage relationship), so that they don’t offend their children. 

This is an example of loving children more than God. This is a part of what Jesus means when you can’t love anyone more than God or else you can’t follow him. He’s actually very practical. He knows that who we love most is who we will ultimately serve first, and who we will ultimately deny if push comes to shove.

A Godly Woman’s Example

One of my favorite women in church history is Monica, who was the mother of Saint Augustine. She lived around 332 AD – 387 AD in northern Africa. She is a great example of a mother who chose God first when her son walked away from Christianity (primarily because he wanted to be free to have sex with as many women as he could). Of course, she still loved Augustine as any mother would and should, but she did not simply affirm him. She still loved Augustine, but it was clear that she put God first. 

Augustine knew that Monica disapproved of his actions. For 17 years, she prayed that Augustine would return to following Jesus. And then, just before her death, that’s what happened. She was able to witness Augustine being baptized as a follower of Jesus. Augustine wrote beautifully about his love for his mother, Monica. He had a deep love for her and that love was greater than it ever could have been, exactly because Monica loved God more than him. Her affections were in proper order, so they functioned at their best. 

Jesus wants what is best for us. That is one of the many reasons he is not afraid to say hard truths to us, just like a good parent teaches their children many difficult truths for the child’s own good. We were made to love God beyond all others. Motherhood is a beautiful picture of the way in which God relates to us and loves us and gives us and our loved one’s life. The love that a mother has for their child is but a glimpse of the way in which God loves and cares for all of us. The more we start to understand this, the more we can begin to see that it makes sense to love the giver more than the gift, even if we love them both dearly.