I remember growing up in the church and regularly hearing the question of “How far is too far?” mentioned from the pulpit or in conversation. Typically, the answer was that this was the wrong question, rather we should be asking, “What most glorifies God?” Unfortunately though, that’s about as detailed as the teaching was, with maybe a quick statement that having sex is definitely too far and the sex will be way better anyway if you wait until marriage.
As I look back on this, I actually think it’s a little crazy. When a teenager in a sex saturated culture is asking for instruction on the limits of physical contact with a romantic partner, I think parents, pastors, and members of the church community have a duty to do more than just reframe the question. Of course, shifting the focus on the glory of God is a great first move, but it just simply can’t stop there. The lusts of the flesh are too strong to not provide more clarity.
The Limits of a Conscience Issue
There are a lot of reasons that this topic is avoided. Sometimes it’s just awkward. Sometimes mere talk of the subject can stimulate lustful thoughts (warning: there will be some sexual discussion below). And sometimes we recognize that we will eventually be dealing with an issue of conscience (Romans 14). When it relates to the amount of physical contact that two dating Christians can have there will be room to disagree… but only to a degree.
Too often, the church leaves hormonal teenagers (and men and women for that matter), to just work this out for themselves. Often, the only lines drawn in the sand being to not have sex. And not even that term is made clear. Are we talking about full and complete sexual intercourse? Are other sexual acts just forms of permissible foreplay and not fornication? What about touching? Under clothing or over clothing? Do such distinctions even matter?
Letting a couple of teenagers laying down in a dark room alone together with strong feelings of attraction and raging hormones figure this out for themselves is a pretty obvious recipe for disaster. We cannot let a rightful fear of legalism and the abuses of the purity culture movement prevent Christian parents, teachers, and leaders from providing instruction that prevents sin.
The Bible and Sex
The Bible views sexual sin as a unique sin (I Corinthians 6:18). It commands Christians to “flee sexual immorality” (I Cor. 6:18). It plainly states that God’s will is for us to abstain from sexual immorality (I Thessalonians 4:3). Jesus goes so far as to say that to even look at a women lustfully is to have committed adultery of the heart (Matthew 5:28). How much more if we touch her breasts or grab her butt? How much more if we passionately arose sexual feelings for her with our physical actions? How much more if we fornicate through foreplay?
In what possible way are these actions not lustful? Just because she’s your girlfriend doesn’t mean you can treat her like your wife—Jesus did not give you that option.
Let’s be clear, these are not issues of conscience, these are acts of sexual sin. If your conscience condemns you (as mine has), it is doing what it should.
But know that the power of Jesus’s blood is so much greater than our sexual sins. He can cleanse our conscience. He can redeem our past. He took on the blame, guilt, shame, and penalty for every sin, even our sexual sins. If your sexual sin burdens you, repent and know you are forgiven. If you still feel the weight and gravity of such sin, then be as the examples we have in Scripture: those who have been forgiven much, love much.
First-Base or a Different Game?
Now, we still have not answered the question in the title of this article, can dating Christians make out? This is sometimes called passionate kissing. What we have done so far is to establish the very clear boundaries of Scripture, and hopefully, to have formed the heart to truly seek what is most glorying to God. I do want to recognize that I am now approaching a less clear area, and therefore, offering my opinion in the form of instruction and exhortation.
That said, when we think about the nature of sexual immorality, and that all sexual acts outside of marriage are sinful, what should we make of making out?
For the purposes of clarity, and to draw a clear and less debatable line, by “making out” what I mean is sustained passionate kissing. We are definitely not talking about a peck on the lips. We are not even talking about a reserved parting of lips. We are talking about making out. Not a brief moment of affection in a safe setting, but an activity. Not a kiss, but kissing. Passionate. Sustained. Emotional. And, I will argue, sexual.
A common (though controversial) analogy for sexual activity within the secular world is the baseball analogy. Generally, first-base involves making out, second base is touching above the waist, third base involves touching below the waist (sometimes including explicit sexual activity in the forms of genital stimulation and oral sex), and, finally, the full act of sexual intercourse being fourth-base or the home run.
In a sense, I think this analogy is pretty accurate as it paints a picture of increasing levels of sexual activity. If this is true, why are so many Christians comfortable with getting to first base with someone other than their wife? In secular terms, this is stage one of the process of having sex.
Why are we comfortable letting our youth and single brothers and sisters start a process of sexual activity that we all agree absolutely cannot continue to progress? Or, do we really believe we have the restraint to ignite a fire with one of the most powerful forces within us and not get burned? Just what do we think we are dealing with here?
Is it possible that passionately kissing a man or woman who is not yet our wife or husband can be glorying to God? Or is it perhaps a slow-pitch softball opportunity for the Devil?
With the sheer volume of Christians who have crossed lines they never wanted to cross in the dating world, myself included, do we really have to wonder? If we think we are the exception and can have perfect restraint while physically expressing our passion, we are more naive than we think. From experience, let me warn you, don’t learn these lessons the hard way.
There is a simple truth here for a faithful Christian: We will never regret what we don’t do with a dating partner before marriage if we end up married, and we will always regret what we have done with a dating partner if we do not get married.
Even if making out isn’t a sin, it is at an absolute minimum a gateway, and just past that entrance is a cliff. How close do we want to get? How close should we get? If this is part of the game of sex, why are we even on the field if we aren’t yet in the marriage bed?
What Would I Want For My Son or Daughter?
I’m not against dating, even with romantic pursuits toward marriage. I believe it is our culture’s way to find a spouse, and there is nothing inherently sinful about it. However, the church has tended to fall short in two areas. Either, following the failures of purity culture, we have made things way too legalistic and forgotten grace. Or, following what I think is the more current tendency, we have abused grace to our own hurt.
As I think about where to set boundaries, I can’t help but consider what I’d be comfortable instructing my own children with. If my daughter told me that she was wondering if it was okay to have a make out session with her boyfriend where they would start off sitting together and slowly kissing, and then, after they got a little passionate, she would probably lay down on the couch and he would lay down on top of her, and they would kiss and kiss and kiss… but she wouldn’t let him touch her… and they wouldn’t have sex… and they’d honor God…
Let’s be clear, every biblical instinct in me would say this is insane. Call me a legalist if you will, but I’d never allow it, never in a million years. I’d love her too much to willfully let her be in such a vulnerable state.
Don’t get me wrong, if she failed, I’d love and forgive her all the same. But we aren’t talking about dealing with failure, we are talking about where to draw the line. Personally, I think such a make out session is sinful. It is a sexual form of kissing.
If there is any doubt, your body, or your partners, will generally let you know it is preparing for sex. Why? Because that’s what is actually happening. The body knows even what the mind refuses to admit. You don’t need to practice to know how to play this game, but, make no mistake, this is how the game begins.
I know a lot of people will disagree. But, can we maybe at least consider, if it’s not an obvious sin, is it in any way wise?
It’s Christianity 101, but, what would Jesus think?
Further Reading
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